Trail head

Dear M,

After explaining to you some of the reasons I love spending time with you, specifically that you don’t expect anything from me, you said that meant you were safe. I believe you’re wrong. I believe that is exactly what makes you dangerous.

The idea that you’re not expecting anything from me scares me a little bit. It makes you unique in my experience. It’s one of the things that will allow me to eventually fall in love with you. Based on our differences in faith I believe that we have a very small chance of anything romantic lasting very long, and I’m afraid of getting hurt again.

It’s like I’m standing at a trail head and can only see a few feet into the woods before the trail becomes shrouded in fog. From this vantage point it seems relatively safe. The ground is level. The trail is clearly marked and wide enough that two can walk abreast. There don’t seem to be any beasties waiting to eat me.

It’s what’s in that fog that scares me. What happens when I get there? Will I get lost in a tangle of branches and undergrowth? Will I allow myself to go too far down the path and not be able to find my way back? Will I allow you to lead me down the path? Will I be eaten alive by a monster waiting for me just inside the fog? I don’t know. I can’t answer these questions. I’d have to take that first step down the path and see what waits.

That fear is what made me run last night. After the kiss. I could see that trail head beckoning with the fog just beyond and I got scared. I took the cowards way out and ran. Was that the right thing to do? Should I even bother questioning my feelings? Should I just go for it and hope that it all turns out right in the end? I’ve been hurt before and you have the potential to hurt me. I know that.

If I turn around from the trail head I can see the safety of the empty parking lot, but that’s the problem. It’s empty. There’s nobody there to talk to. Nobody to listen to. Nobody to share good times with, or bad. Just me in a lonely empty parking lot that has been my life to this point.

You scare me M. I don’t know what to do. That fear has put me in a position I have never been in before. I don’t like being afraid.

However, you intrigue me. I’ve never known a man quite like you. You’re intelligent. You’re funny. You’re very strong in your faith. You know exactly what you want from life. You do what you love and you love what you do. Do you know how very few people in this world can say those things about themselves? You should be proud.

So I guess I’m going to head down that trail and see what awaits me in the fog. Are you coming with me? Or will this be a solitary hike?

–K

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~ by kitkatsknits on December 4, 2008.

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